Rather a Disappointing Start

Well, the Open House was Friday. We had 12 people turn up. Yup, 12. Out of 350+ people, only 12, remembered or made time to come. Not our pastor or his wife, not the office administrator or his wife the office assistant, not the church secretary, not the youth pastors, not our small group, not my Esther class, not the creche lady, or the young mum's group--nope, just 12 random people. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time with those folks who remembered and came. It was a beautiful evening. The food was excellent. Still, I couldn't help but feel a bit deflated. After all of my hard work, all of my shopping and expense, all of the fighting it took with DH to get the house cleaned up Friday afternoon--12 people. The good news is I was able to take my pain medicine and put my sore back to bed early that night.

Saturday we decided to do another grocery run to take advantage of the current $.21 a litre off of gasoline if we spent $150. Of course that meant we are flat broke until Tuesday. Then DH reminded me that he had to make displays for the ministry fair on Sunday. I wasn't feeling very well so I spent a good chunk of the day in bed. Then after putting kiddies to bed I spent the rest of my night (until midnight) making DH's displays and a brochure for one of his ministry areas. He sat working feverishly on his computer. I thought he was writing a sermon for Sunday night. That's only reason I could imagine him not cleaning up the kitchen for me while I did his work. Nope, he was playing a computer game--for about 6 hours--while I made his displays. Yea. That was fun.

Sunday morning we jumped out of bed early and got ready for a long morning at church. We were there at 8 am, a full hour early, so we could copy his new brochure and set-up his displays. When we arrived we were told by the administrator (you know the one who had just blown off our party) that DH didn't have a table. I had to suck up the tears that were starting to flow. I know I must have turned beet red, because I was M-A-D! Funny, I shouldn't really have been mad at the administrator. I guess I was mad at DH because I had expended all of that energy doing his work and now he didn't even have a table. He followed me back to the car and I yelled he had better go find a "f@#$%ing" table. Yes, I did. I was immediately embarrassed and hoped no one heard me. By the time I got the kids out of the car and into the church DH had a table. His displays looked great.

I spent the morning in the creche. They didn't really need me, but I had been asked, so did it. It was very nice. I spent most of the morning just playing with Bubba. And I got to have a big cuddle with a 9 week old baby who smiled at me the whole time. That was pretty special! Then I had a nice nap yesterday afternoon, confident that DH was watching the kids. I was finally woken up by Bubba kicking the wall in his room, indicating he was awake. I came out into the living room to find DH (not watching the kids) playing his computer game. He thought Bubba was still asleep. I told him no, he was awake. Then I found Cupcake out on the deck sawing with our sharpest bread knife. DH hadn't noticed her getting that off the counter or taking it outside.

This morning promised to be better. I had nice chat with my Mom last night and felt better in general. Then I tried to burn the house down by turning on the wrong burner on our glass top stove. I melted a whole stack of plastic plates. The whole house smoked up. I had to try to usher the kids outside while I dealt with the mess, the fumes, and the smoke. DH finally came out and I asked him for help keeping the kids outside. I didn't want Bubba breathing all of that with his asthma. I got told off in no uncertain terms. That was fun.

I have had just a lovely weekend. Actually, some parts were fine. Feeling just a bit overwhelmed and more than a bit misused or taken for granted. Not really sure how to fix this problem with DH. Some of it is the same problem we have always had and some of it seems worse. I feel as if I enable him like--a wife might enable an alcoholic husband by keeping all of his balls in the air for him. I would like to think that we have a partnership. He helps me with my job (the house, the kids, the bills, the shopping, the laundry, etc.) when I need it and I help him when he needs it. But it feels like I am less than a partner and that even when I try to be the dutiful wife who helps out when I am needed and listens to every problem at work--I am not any more appreciated. In fact this weekend the opposite has happened. It feels like I am mistreated.

If I had the money I would take the kids home to the US for a visit. I would leave DH here to think about his life and decide how he can get himself going in the right direction. But I don't. If there were a way to be separated here, I would probably do that. But we don't have that kind of money either. We could try it while still staying in the same house, but that would just make it worse. I just don't know how things will ever get better while we are stuck in the same patterns. It's not that I don't want to be married to DH anymore, I do. I love him. But things can't continue like they are.

You might be wondering if he reads this blog. Rarely. That would require being interested in my life. If he reads this one--so be it.

One party this week and two more next week to get ready for. No more time for blogging. Got to get busy. Yay me.