Focus Smocus

Feel like my brain and my heart is all over the place today. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? Seriously. It feels like a sugar or a hormone fog.

One or both of the kids has been waking up in the middle of the night for weeks now. Even with naps I feel seriously sleep deprived. I keep hoping maybe God in His wisdom is trying to help me get used to sleepless nights again. What disturbs me the most is that Cupcake seems to have bad dreams. We have prayed and prayed for them and still they come. I spent most of last night praying for her.

I woke-up this morning praying, begging God, for another baby. In my sleep kind of praying. I wasn't quite awake yet. I am 38 years old. I haven't had a regular period in years. I had a miscarriage at 19 and since then--nothing. It will take a miracle. I believe in miracles. I pray for them in other people all the time. I have even witnessed many a miracle. But it is so hard to believe in this one.

Three people in my peripheral world are pregnant at the moment. One infertile woman whose blog I follow. Just adopted a few months ago, now pregnant. That is the one thing you get so tired of hearing when you adopt is "well, you'll likely get pregnant now that the pressure is off." Hasn't happened for me yet. Can't help but be just so slightly jealous and thrilled for her at the same time. One blog friend is overweight, like I am, has had PCOS in the past and she is pregnant with her 7th child. Yup. I am so thrilled for her. I know how hard she prayed and wants this child. But it causes me to ask--why her and not me? What am I doing wrong in my life? And then one friend of DH's, who I don't really know but I FB with her all the time. I am happy for her too, but still I ask--when Lord? When will it be my turn?

I sit here with my 1 year old (almost 2) and my 2.5 year old (3 in August) and I think--why do I still long for a baby?

I withdrew from the women's ministry team and now the counselling ministry I had been asked to help design at church. Because I feel like I can't be gone so much with the kids being so small. I am the main caregiver and I hate to have to cancel meetings or not show up because Bubba has his 15th cold of the season. I think I have come to peace (wait a minute, little boy wants a lap cuddle) with it. I am a mother first and that is AWESOME!!

Then I hear a story this morning that breaks my heart. DH went to visit a man who is sick, depressed, and alone. He is 65. His wife of 40 years died at Christmas time. They had one daughter who was killed at 6 years old while crossing a cross walk. His wife was hit by a drunk driver a while later which left her with crippling injuries and took away their chance of more children. She died at Christmas and he has no other family. No friends to speak of, no work. He put their house on the market--the place they lived for over 25 years--and now he faces trying to move alone. Last night he had a minor health emergency, but is home today. Isn't that so sad?

I hear this story and I think--why do I ever complain? Why do I ever long for anything? I have so much. I am so grateful for all that I have. But I continue to beg God for this one thing. The God who could part the Red Sea, raise people from the dead, and feed the 5,000--could surely heal my ovaries and give me a baby.

Not even sure what or how to think next. Just do the next thing I suppose. Celebrate with my friends on the blessings they enjoy and hug my kids!

Almost Done

It's 10 am on Sunday morning and I am almost done with my cleaning. I have done the bathrooms. Not the deep scrub I wanted to do with shiny glass doors, but everything has been cleaned and mopped. I have cleaned our room. Washed all the walls--little finger prints, apple juice, and various crayon marks are all gone. The garage/play room/Granny's room is all done. The laundry is all washed and put away. The only thing I have left to do is the kitchen--just a last wipe down and mop as we leave the house today.

We rented a Rug Doctor machine last night to the tune of $50 plus the cleaning solution. I shampooed the living room rug. This morning it is almost dry, but the spots are still there. Sad. I was shocked at how much it cost and how totally ineffective it was. I could have hired a professional to do a steam clean of that rug for less than $50. Oh well, live and learn. Next time I will.

The kids and I stayed home from church today, which means no meeting for me and no luncheon. That's the good part. The bad part is we all have colds. Cupcake has been running a fever, which is always a worry for me. I don't need a febrile convulsion to happen just as Granny is coming. That always means a night in the hospital. So, we are alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen every two hours. She is better than she was yesterday. She was only up once last night, as opposed to the four times she was up Friday night.

It's a beautiful sunny, cool day here. I hope the weather holds up this week. We have so much to do. Just found a bunch of Pumpkin Patch coupons I have. If I spend $250 I save $125. That is pretty amazing. Feeling a shopping trip coming on this week. Maybe I can buy the kids come clothes for Christmas or birthdays. The summer stuff will be on clearance. I wish I knew when or if we had another Bub coming I would buy some newborn stuff.

Anyway--on to other things. I have to get finished. Just enjoying a lovely Rose apple and some Raspberry Lemonade Crystal Light from my friend Mrs. C. My diet has gone amazingly well this week. I have lost 1.8 kg (4 lbs) so far. Official weigh-in is tomorrow. I have just been eating slightly less this week, no junk food, and keeping busy everyday. I feel better already (minus the head cold).

Happy Sunday everyone! (Pictures later)

Saturday

After a long night, Cupcake was up 4 times, but Bubba finally slept the whole night--the kids let us sleep-in this morning. It was almost 8 am. That is unheard of in our house. Throws my schedule off a bit, but not too badly. It's now 11:24 am and they are snug in their nap time beds.

So far this morning I have finished the guest room, organized that closet, and made that bed. DH is cleaning out the car only to discover that the can of red paint we have been hauling around for months (to get it matched to do one more coat on the dining table) had finally leaked in the front floor board. I had to help him clean it up with mineral spirits. Fun-fun! We needed one more thing to do today. That always happens to us. Now he is vacuuming and will shampoo the red spots.

He is going to finish his sermon while the kids are sleeping. I am going to do the kitchen, including the fridge. But right now I am enjoying a cup of hot tea, while watching the "Long, Long Trailer" on DVD. It's one of my favourite movies of all time. Lucy and Desi in case you were wondering.

Tomorrow is: me working in the nursery, DH preaching both services, women's ministry meeting after the first service (with no sitter, because DH is preaching), followed by a luncheon. We are packing the car and the trailer tonight so we can leave from church tomorrow. We hope to get to Auckland around 4 pm. We have to pick-up Bubba's new (to him) trike and check-in to the hotel. Our plan was to go to the zoo, but I don't think we will have time. Besides everyone will be exhausted after tomorrow morning.

Granny's flight arrives at 5:25 am. So, DH and I will get up early. He'll go pick her and her friend up and bring them back to the hotel. Where I will feed them breakfast. I am taking some biscuits (scones for those of you down here), bacon, eggs, and cheese. That will be better than McDonalds. We don't have to check-out until 10 am. So Granny and Liz can take a shower or rest until we head home. It is a 2.5 hour drive, over the mountains, on a two lane winding road. It will be so nice to get home to a clean house with all of the laundry done! Yay!

Okay, break time is over. More pictures later.

Fiddle-dee-dee Moment

I'm having a Scarlett O'Hara moment. You know, "fiddle-dee-dee, I can't think about that today, I'll think about that tomorrow." Too much to do, too little time.

My mother and her friend arrive from America a week from today. In fact, by this time next Monday we will all be safely back at home, probably taking a nap--which is where I'd like to be right now. Instead I am blogging so I don't think about the million things I have to do before we leave on Sunday.

The house is an absolute wreck. Between Bubba and myself someone has been seriously sick here for the last month, which means very little has been done. The sofas need a clean. The rugs need a shampoo (thanks to the puppy). There is tons of laundry to be done and sorted and put away--some new hand-me-owns sent from America (friends and family--yay for hand-me-downs). The garage/play room needs to be cleaned. I have to move a guest bed back out there so that Mom and her friend have separate rooms. Mom likes a little privacy. Time to get the heaters out and put the fans away. Need to drag the outside table and umbrella under the house as well. Clean the bedrooms, re-organize the pantry. Why am I the only one who puts things back where they belong? I would really love to spray down the outside of the house too, at least get rid of cobwebs again. We still haven't had the exterminator come yet. I am hopeful this is the week. Wash windows, inside and out, clean the fridge and wipe down all the cabinets. Clean the showers, clean the tub, mop the floors (like only Momma can), organize some meals, and clean out the car.

What else? I hope to get my hair trimmed and highlighted this week. Haven't done a thing to it since October. I am not a big fan of getting it done, but I want it to look nice. We'll see.

Back on my diet today. So far, so good. It's not really a "diet." We eat normal stuff, just in controlled portions and count our calories. I have to. I have gained 30 lbs back from the 60 lbs I had lost. I am starting to feel it everywhere. I can even feel my asthma returning.

Tonight is L&M's memorial service for their baby, Angeline. It was a little girl. They thought it was a boy, before she was born. DH is doing the service. I won't be able to go. Our regular sitter is out of town and somehow I don't think its appropriate to take a 1.5 year old and 2.5 year old to a somber service. I hate that. The thing with church events is that everyone we know, who would baby-sit, will be there. Oh well. I can pray for them from here I guess.

Since yesterday I've really been upset by this case in TN, where the adoptive mother sent her troubled adopted son back to Russia. I am sure you have seen it on the news. It just sickens me. I am very sure that they were overwhelmed and afraid of the behavior he exhibited, but it doesn't sound as if they did all they could. They have admitted that they hadn't even consulted a psychologist for help. Instead the felt lied to by the orphanage in Russia and so just put him on a plane and sent him back.

As an adoptive parent, I cannot even believe that they didn't discuss this with their social worker. They didn't go through the proper channels. They didn't get this boy help--serious help. And her actions have caused a serious rift with Russia over adoptions--not to mention stirred all of the MANY anti-adoption advocates. This situation implies that adopted children are not forever children. It makes me so angry.

Adoption is such a long process. You have so much time to consider the actions you are taking. There is so much training done (when it is done right, I suppose). You can't prepare for every situation or emotion in advance, but you should be able to make an informed decision about parenting and what you are capable of handling. This poor boy and his troubles may only be compounded now because of this family's actions and many other children in Russia who might have been adopted into families in America will now be denied that option. Sad, just so sad to me.

So, instead of cleaning, doing laundry, or emailing our adoption advocacy group in NZ--I am just sitting here saying "fiddle-dee-dee, I can't think about this today. I will think about this tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." I need a nap. I wonder how many calories in a block of dark chocolate?