Feeling Better

I am feeling better today. Not quite so cloudy. DH and I had a long talk last night, which was so nice. It seems that it has finally hit him that he is a man with responsibilities. You all probably remember that feeling if you think back. It usually hits sometime in your 30's. It's when you suddenly realize that you ARE a grown-up, that your children depend on you, and that your parents will not live forever.

The last few weeks were fairly hard on us. We loved being around my mother. There is the occasional head butt between me and Mom, but it was made worse by our other house guest who was equally as bull headed but not family. No one said anything to DH about his weight, but I think it hit home. He was worried that my Mom or his parents would have the dreaded "talk" with him (or me for that matter). But no one did.

We were all very sick with colds, but tried really hard each day to participate fully. We didn't want to miss any time together. So, by the time it was over we were exhausted. Then there was the added emotion of seeing DH's parents, his birth mother, and what happened to Bubba last Friday with the blood pressure pill. Even though he was just fine, it was the closest we have ever come to losing any one. Oh my God, that would have been a horrible thing. Yes, I have been thanking God that my son is still alive and well.

Anyway, he told me last night that he was afraid. He was afraid of not being around for his kids. And he had finally realized that his parents wouldn't be around forever. Wow! I think that's pretty good for 36. He's an adult, a father, a husband, and a grown son. In light of all of that we are going to try to make some changes to our lives, again. Maybe with new determination this time. More prayer, more study, more obedience, and more care for our selves.

Please forgive my whiny post yesterday. It's been quite a while since I have felt jealousy towards anyone for being pregnant. The last time was about a year ago. Before that it had been several years. I truly am happy for my friends and their expected blessings. I am truly amazed and blessed by my friends who have large families. Most importantly, I guess-I am truly grateful and blessed by my small family. I never thought I would have one child, then suddenly in less then a year I had two. That was a miracle!

We continue to pray. I try to believe in faith without any doubts. But I have to say this one thing that I know--sometimes the miracle comes in the form of God helping us become truly at peace with what we have or what He gives us, that is not exactly what we asked for. Still--I think asking and believing for what we ask is the best way to get what we actually ask for.

On the fertility prayer message board I participate with, a lady I have been praying for is pregnant. She is 43. She only married at 37 to a 46 year old husband, they were both virgins (isn't that nice!). They had an early miscarriage and nothing since. Now she is pregnant, 13 weeks, with no fertility help at all. Just loads of prayer! What's amazing to me about her story is that she is one I would say to DH--maybe she is getting too old and should stop trying, it must be so sad. What did I know? Nothing! Because God had other plans.

So, I woke-up this morning not feeling jealous. I feel blessed and I feel happy for my friends. In fact I am so happy this morning I won't even tell you what my nosey/bossy neighbor we call Mrs. Kravitz did last night. And I am seriously considering going to play group this morning. We'll see. Happy Thursday!

Focus Smocus

Feel like my brain and my heart is all over the place today. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? Seriously. It feels like a sugar or a hormone fog.

One or both of the kids has been waking up in the middle of the night for weeks now. Even with naps I feel seriously sleep deprived. I keep hoping maybe God in His wisdom is trying to help me get used to sleepless nights again. What disturbs me the most is that Cupcake seems to have bad dreams. We have prayed and prayed for them and still they come. I spent most of last night praying for her.

I woke-up this morning praying, begging God, for another baby. In my sleep kind of praying. I wasn't quite awake yet. I am 38 years old. I haven't had a regular period in years. I had a miscarriage at 19 and since then--nothing. It will take a miracle. I believe in miracles. I pray for them in other people all the time. I have even witnessed many a miracle. But it is so hard to believe in this one.

Three people in my peripheral world are pregnant at the moment. One infertile woman whose blog I follow. Just adopted a few months ago, now pregnant. That is the one thing you get so tired of hearing when you adopt is "well, you'll likely get pregnant now that the pressure is off." Hasn't happened for me yet. Can't help but be just so slightly jealous and thrilled for her at the same time. One blog friend is overweight, like I am, has had PCOS in the past and she is pregnant with her 7th child. Yup. I am so thrilled for her. I know how hard she prayed and wants this child. But it causes me to ask--why her and not me? What am I doing wrong in my life? And then one friend of DH's, who I don't really know but I FB with her all the time. I am happy for her too, but still I ask--when Lord? When will it be my turn?

I sit here with my 1 year old (almost 2) and my 2.5 year old (3 in August) and I think--why do I still long for a baby?

I withdrew from the women's ministry team and now the counselling ministry I had been asked to help design at church. Because I feel like I can't be gone so much with the kids being so small. I am the main caregiver and I hate to have to cancel meetings or not show up because Bubba has his 15th cold of the season. I think I have come to peace (wait a minute, little boy wants a lap cuddle) with it. I am a mother first and that is AWESOME!!

Then I hear a story this morning that breaks my heart. DH went to visit a man who is sick, depressed, and alone. He is 65. His wife of 40 years died at Christmas time. They had one daughter who was killed at 6 years old while crossing a cross walk. His wife was hit by a drunk driver a while later which left her with crippling injuries and took away their chance of more children. She died at Christmas and he has no other family. No friends to speak of, no work. He put their house on the market--the place they lived for over 25 years--and now he faces trying to move alone. Last night he had a minor health emergency, but is home today. Isn't that so sad?

I hear this story and I think--why do I ever complain? Why do I ever long for anything? I have so much. I am so grateful for all that I have. But I continue to beg God for this one thing. The God who could part the Red Sea, raise people from the dead, and feed the 5,000--could surely heal my ovaries and give me a baby.

Not even sure what or how to think next. Just do the next thing I suppose. Celebrate with my friends on the blessings they enjoy and hug my kids!

WWW can be a scary place

So, it finally happened. I found my ex on FB. Every now and then in the interest of self-preservation I do a search for him. The last one just a couple of months ago. I was wasting time last night waiting on the laundry to finish and what do I find? His scary picture pops up. My blood ran cold. There he was. There was his new wife (poor thing). There was his crazy "uncle" and his crazy mother. I just spent the last half an hour blocking all of them on my FB and my mother's FB page.

Do you ever look back on something you did in your life and go "why in the world did I do that?" DH was asking me last night. He just can't fathom why I ever married that crazy man who turned out to be abusive and a cheater. We made two moves in secret in the US to get away from him. He found us, harassed us, and so we filed a restraining order and moved again. I am just now really starting to feel safe here on the other side of the world. At least he can't get a passport, being a convicted felon an all. Yes--you heard me right.

What can I say? I was young. I was stupid. I had just been dumped again by my on again-off again boyfriend of 3 years. I thought I was old (23) and that no one would ever ask me to marry them again. I can't say that I didn't learn anything or achieve personal growth through that experience, so it wasn't all bad. But it very nearly killed me in more ways than one. And I was never so grateful in my life as I was to get away from him. Then God gave me DH. I have always felt like God said, "well done my good and faithful servant...now here is the man I always intended for you...you deserve this blessing for all of the years of suffering." Wow--seriously thanking God for that today.

Needed this reminder that today, May 11, 2010--I don't really have any problems. Not like I used to have. I am healthy. I have two gorgeous children I would never have had. I have a loving and faithful husband whose worst fault is that he is sometimes a little bit unmotivated. I can live with that. I have 6.5 years of wedded bliss with no infidelity and no abuse. If the only problems I have are worrying a little bit about money and praying for the miracle of another baby--then I have to say--I have no problems. Thank you Lord for my life, here and now.