WWW can be a scary place

So, it finally happened. I found my ex on FB. Every now and then in the interest of self-preservation I do a search for him. The last one just a couple of months ago. I was wasting time last night waiting on the laundry to finish and what do I find? His scary picture pops up. My blood ran cold. There he was. There was his new wife (poor thing). There was his crazy "uncle" and his crazy mother. I just spent the last half an hour blocking all of them on my FB and my mother's FB page.

Do you ever look back on something you did in your life and go "why in the world did I do that?" DH was asking me last night. He just can't fathom why I ever married that crazy man who turned out to be abusive and a cheater. We made two moves in secret in the US to get away from him. He found us, harassed us, and so we filed a restraining order and moved again. I am just now really starting to feel safe here on the other side of the world. At least he can't get a passport, being a convicted felon an all. Yes--you heard me right.

What can I say? I was young. I was stupid. I had just been dumped again by my on again-off again boyfriend of 3 years. I thought I was old (23) and that no one would ever ask me to marry them again. I can't say that I didn't learn anything or achieve personal growth through that experience, so it wasn't all bad. But it very nearly killed me in more ways than one. And I was never so grateful in my life as I was to get away from him. Then God gave me DH. I have always felt like God said, "well done my good and faithful servant...now here is the man I always intended for you...you deserve this blessing for all of the years of suffering." Wow--seriously thanking God for that today.

Needed this reminder that today, May 11, 2010--I don't really have any problems. Not like I used to have. I am healthy. I have two gorgeous children I would never have had. I have a loving and faithful husband whose worst fault is that he is sometimes a little bit unmotivated. I can live with that. I have 6.5 years of wedded bliss with no infidelity and no abuse. If the only problems I have are worrying a little bit about money and praying for the miracle of another baby--then I have to say--I have no problems. Thank you Lord for my life, here and now.

It's only a number?!

So, what's with birthdays that cause us to think about where we have been and where we are going? Now that the dreaded birthday has actually come and gone (can we say one more year closer to 40?) I actually feel okay. I am sort of surprised by that. I think I expected to feel older, old even.

Since I have had a few hours to calm down, relax, and settle back into life as I know it--I have been thinking about starting a new blog again. Not a write about my life blog, but a spiritual/devotional/seeking/Christian woman type blog. Maybe its because I have more time and space in my brain since ladies' camp is over (it went really well by the way), or maybe its because I am older and seeking a purpose to life beyond motherhood. Who knows? I am really mulling it over, even considering having a professional build me a website. We'll see.

All of this has lead me to think about my "family." Had a great visit with my mother. Yes, there were several moments of us driving each other crazy. But I think we remain grateful for the relationship that we have. It is something that she doesn't share with my siblings. It also gave me some insight (possibly) into my siblings' relationship with her.

I was looking through FB last night and came across one of my sister's profiles. I was looking at her albums and I realized that I don't even know her. Her life is totally foreign to me. As foreign as I am sure my life is to her. I was looking at her friends and thought--I bet they don't even know I exist. I bet they don't know that my sister has a bi-racial, adopted, niece and nephew.

Then I got sort of sad, although not surprised, that I didn't even get a card from either sister or my brother this year--for my birthday, last week. No phone call. Not even a message on FB. Usually that would make me really sad. I have a whole card mission and I try to send them out every month, even if I am running late. It is important to me to keep in touch, on whatever superficial level I am allowed to interact with my sibs. What I realize with each passing year is that I am not so important to them--especially my one sister.

Over the years I have been tempted to just say out loud to her--you know, let's just stop pretending to be sisters. But then I think why stir the pot? What I discovered the other day, while looking at her FB profile, is--I don't really care if she knows me or not. Is that sad?

At what point do we just move on, grow into our own person-hood and cease to be affected by others? Even others who are part of our own family? Maybe I am finally growing a thick skin or just learning to love who I am in Christ, in my family, in my church, etc. That would be nice. That is what I would like to learn to focus on.

Enough pondering this morning. I am so happy to be home. I have so much housework to do. The kids are attempting to settle back into normal life. Smells like dog pee in the hallway--I think if that dog is going to get potty trained it will be up to me. DH is totally irresponsible. So, life goes on. Who has time to worry about stupid things like birthday cards?

I just hope that our little family will remain closer than my family of origin. I hope and pray that our children grow up to love each other and to love us in a way that sustains us as a family. That is my goal.