Focus Smocus

Feel like my brain and my heart is all over the place today. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? Seriously. It feels like a sugar or a hormone fog.

One or both of the kids has been waking up in the middle of the night for weeks now. Even with naps I feel seriously sleep deprived. I keep hoping maybe God in His wisdom is trying to help me get used to sleepless nights again. What disturbs me the most is that Cupcake seems to have bad dreams. We have prayed and prayed for them and still they come. I spent most of last night praying for her.

I woke-up this morning praying, begging God, for another baby. In my sleep kind of praying. I wasn't quite awake yet. I am 38 years old. I haven't had a regular period in years. I had a miscarriage at 19 and since then--nothing. It will take a miracle. I believe in miracles. I pray for them in other people all the time. I have even witnessed many a miracle. But it is so hard to believe in this one.

Three people in my peripheral world are pregnant at the moment. One infertile woman whose blog I follow. Just adopted a few months ago, now pregnant. That is the one thing you get so tired of hearing when you adopt is "well, you'll likely get pregnant now that the pressure is off." Hasn't happened for me yet. Can't help but be just so slightly jealous and thrilled for her at the same time. One blog friend is overweight, like I am, has had PCOS in the past and she is pregnant with her 7th child. Yup. I am so thrilled for her. I know how hard she prayed and wants this child. But it causes me to ask--why her and not me? What am I doing wrong in my life? And then one friend of DH's, who I don't really know but I FB with her all the time. I am happy for her too, but still I ask--when Lord? When will it be my turn?

I sit here with my 1 year old (almost 2) and my 2.5 year old (3 in August) and I think--why do I still long for a baby?

I withdrew from the women's ministry team and now the counselling ministry I had been asked to help design at church. Because I feel like I can't be gone so much with the kids being so small. I am the main caregiver and I hate to have to cancel meetings or not show up because Bubba has his 15th cold of the season. I think I have come to peace (wait a minute, little boy wants a lap cuddle) with it. I am a mother first and that is AWESOME!!

Then I hear a story this morning that breaks my heart. DH went to visit a man who is sick, depressed, and alone. He is 65. His wife of 40 years died at Christmas time. They had one daughter who was killed at 6 years old while crossing a cross walk. His wife was hit by a drunk driver a while later which left her with crippling injuries and took away their chance of more children. She died at Christmas and he has no other family. No friends to speak of, no work. He put their house on the market--the place they lived for over 25 years--and now he faces trying to move alone. Last night he had a minor health emergency, but is home today. Isn't that so sad?

I hear this story and I think--why do I ever complain? Why do I ever long for anything? I have so much. I am so grateful for all that I have. But I continue to beg God for this one thing. The God who could part the Red Sea, raise people from the dead, and feed the 5,000--could surely heal my ovaries and give me a baby.

Not even sure what or how to think next. Just do the next thing I suppose. Celebrate with my friends on the blessings they enjoy and hug my kids!