So Incredibly Sad

I am so sad right now. I don't even know where to start as a type through the tears. Nothing terrible has happened, no one has died. No is even sick--not really. It's just Bubby. My Bubby. My Son. 

He is way out of control at the moment. He's 6, but he manages to disrupt life in the house to the extreme. Tonight he has reduced me sobs and I just can't stop and I can't think. I feel like a failure and a horrible mother.

Bubby is severely ADHD. He also has SID. He's partially deaf. He's very smart, but at the same time he is learning delayed and speech delayed and behaviorally delayed. I still believe he is autistic, but the doctors seem to think it is all of these other issues.

He's on medication, Ritalin, but only at school. He takes 20 mg a day. Half in the morning and half at lunch. He has to have melatonin to sleep, but most of the time that doesn't work. One of us has to sleep with him every night in the hopes that keeps him bed, at least being quiet, if not sleeping. Last night he was up for hours--woke-up Sissy and they were all over the house before I finally heard them. DH was sleeping in their with them. Bubby had a knife out trying to open his chocolate milk drink--a special drink he has to add calories to his day because his medication suppresses his appetite. So he eats even less than he did before.

For the last two days--he has been hysterical! He's screaming all of the time. He is throwing massive tantrums. He's not sleeping. 

It doesn't help that DH doesn't follow through on rules--like no IPads during the week. So I don't have back-up and all of the anger gets directed at me.

Tonight while Bubby is having a hysterical fit and DH is holding him to keep him from lashing out at Sissy, Bubby is screaming "I don't want you." Meaning me. All I did was walk in the room. That of course sets me off and I yell at him to calm down. I tell him I am sleeping in there tonight, because that way they don't get up. That just makes it worse He goes on and on. Then I go the bathroom. Things calm down. DH is sitting on the bed and I hear "you'd better hurry hear comes Mum." He's telling Bubby that he has to do what he wants him to do because Mum is coming--like I am something to be scared of.

Finally, I just snapped and screamed and cried at everyone. I said, "fine--I don't want to sleep with you either. You are 6 years old and you are a bigger baby than all three of the little kids put together. Mums and Dad are supposed to sleep in their bed together and we shouldn't have to be in here with you, but you won't listen and you won't do what your told." Then I went on and said some things about DH and how I always have to be the bad guy. And they could all just have each other tonight. Blah, blah, blah.

I am so angry with DH for being weak. I am angry at him for making me do all of the heavy work. I am angry at him for being lazy and for whining. I am angry at Bubby for being the way he is--which is just stupid, because I am sure if he could choose to be different he would. And I am angry at myself for actually not liking my boy very much at the moment. I love him more than I could ever measure, but I sure do get tired of the screaming, the melt downs, the obsession, the not sleeping, the tics, the hyperactivity, all of it.

And I worry. How will we cope later on? Will he ever get better? Or will he get worse? 

His best friend from school has moved away. It must be breaking his heart, because they were like brothers. This little boy loved Bubby just the way he is. They talked on the phone. They had play dates all the time. He was like a gift from heaven. Now, he's just gone. But Bubby can't seem to articulate his pain and they didn't leave us anyway to get in touch with them. All we can do is hope that maybe he'll want to call to talk to Bubby and we can find a way to keep in touch.

I don't know what to do next. I'm exhausted. And I don't like myself very much at the moment. I'm just sad.