The review is over. It was a hard 30 hours or so of waiting for it. A lot of prayer and talking went into it, along with preparation. DH talked to his work mates and the senior pastor beforehand and all agreed the review was out of line. What we didn't really understand is the one that counts is the face-to-face (last night) where they take DH's self-review and the others, discuss them and then make it official.
He left at 6 pm to go set-up. He got home after 10 pm. I was pretty miserable during that time. None of this was worry about losing his job or anything like that. It's pretty much impossible in NZ to get fired, especially in a church. And this church has given their senior pastor not so nice reviews for 20 years, but he is still here (and is the best pastor we have ever worked with, by the way, really awesome man of God). The worry and the hurt came from thinking we were doing good work and then hearing something else. It really came from left field.
What they discovered last night is that, for instance, none of the "reviewers" from either group (Elders or Governance) have ever been to the night time youth service. DH has been preaching there for 2 years. The kids LOVE him and the spiritual maturity of that group has changed drastically. We've had over 50 baptisms this year. But one man from Elders and one from Governance really don't like any of the preaching that goes on at our church. It's "too spiritual," or "not practical," or just plain "too long" (the average is 20 minutes). The one man from Governance is the one who complained about night church and the reviewers took that as gospel, without every checking it for themselves or asking the target audience (the youth and young adults). This one complainer's opinion does not represent the truth for the majority of people. Sad really. He and his wife would like to see all preaching done away with or to have something they call "sermon lite" which are less than 10 minutes and always on something topical not necessarily Biblical. Yup.
It was good that they got this worked out. We even did a time sheet for last week and it was over 54 hours. That was a lite week with no meetings at night. They were happy with that. Apparently the fat comments didn't even come from them but from "people" and they just wanted to help. Isn't that nice? DH told them that we are well aware of our fatness and that we are working on it. That was fine with them.
What was the bad you might ask? Nothing really for DH. When he was through talking about all of it he said, "we didn't get around to talking about the family criticism, but it's fine." What? Did I just hear that correctly? I had been torn up for a day and a half--crying, praying, existing until someone would defend me or even ask why I had been included in his review. That should have never happened. My presence or not, the wellness of my kids, or my work in some area that someone thinks I am not doing--has no bearing on DH or his review. It really doesn't it. I'm not on staff, I don't get paid, and I don't get reviewed.
But DH had forgotten to talk about any of that. He didn't even remember to remind them about the hundreds of hours (or more) I have worked over the last year between ladies camp, creche, mum's group, small group, Esther class, accountability groups, counselling or just visiting. All of it while my daughter's seizure disorder has escalated with no medical explanation yet or while my son had months of staph infection on his bottom from diaper rash we couldn't get rid of. Who came to visit me the three times I was in the hospital with Cupcake this year? Umm...no one. What about the party I planned for the mum's group or the baby showers I did or the diaper cakes I made or the meals I have taken to people?
Not that I did any of that to be recognized or rewarded. But when I get criticised in DH's review for not being a good example to others because I miss too much church, etc. then I feel like someone needs to be reminded of what I have done and why I have missed church. Who do I leave my kids with when they are sick? Grandma? The closest one lives 5 hours a way and has a heart condition. Oh, how about Auntie then? Well--she also goes to church and is often out preaching with Uncle in the country. Do I ask her to miss church so I can go? Whatever.
Anyway, I felt really betrayed last night. I felt like no one fought for me. No one stood up for me. It just played right into my old tapes about feeling worthless and insignificant. Nothing I do matters and nothing I do is ever good enough. I went to sleep crying with a pillow over my head. I feel mostly better this morning. But it will take a while for the wounds to scab over. Once again God has seen fit to let me be the bigger person. Yay for me! I get to learn more this week about how its okay to be criticised by the world and to be invisible--because God sees me. I know that's all that matters. I just have to get my head back on straight.
There you have it. The good and the bad.
He left at 6 pm to go set-up. He got home after 10 pm. I was pretty miserable during that time. None of this was worry about losing his job or anything like that. It's pretty much impossible in NZ to get fired, especially in a church. And this church has given their senior pastor not so nice reviews for 20 years, but he is still here (and is the best pastor we have ever worked with, by the way, really awesome man of God). The worry and the hurt came from thinking we were doing good work and then hearing something else. It really came from left field.
What they discovered last night is that, for instance, none of the "reviewers" from either group (Elders or Governance) have ever been to the night time youth service. DH has been preaching there for 2 years. The kids LOVE him and the spiritual maturity of that group has changed drastically. We've had over 50 baptisms this year. But one man from Elders and one from Governance really don't like any of the preaching that goes on at our church. It's "too spiritual," or "not practical," or just plain "too long" (the average is 20 minutes). The one man from Governance is the one who complained about night church and the reviewers took that as gospel, without every checking it for themselves or asking the target audience (the youth and young adults). This one complainer's opinion does not represent the truth for the majority of people. Sad really. He and his wife would like to see all preaching done away with or to have something they call "sermon lite" which are less than 10 minutes and always on something topical not necessarily Biblical. Yup.
It was good that they got this worked out. We even did a time sheet for last week and it was over 54 hours. That was a lite week with no meetings at night. They were happy with that. Apparently the fat comments didn't even come from them but from "people" and they just wanted to help. Isn't that nice? DH told them that we are well aware of our fatness and that we are working on it. That was fine with them.
What was the bad you might ask? Nothing really for DH. When he was through talking about all of it he said, "we didn't get around to talking about the family criticism, but it's fine." What? Did I just hear that correctly? I had been torn up for a day and a half--crying, praying, existing until someone would defend me or even ask why I had been included in his review. That should have never happened. My presence or not, the wellness of my kids, or my work in some area that someone thinks I am not doing--has no bearing on DH or his review. It really doesn't it. I'm not on staff, I don't get paid, and I don't get reviewed.
But DH had forgotten to talk about any of that. He didn't even remember to remind them about the hundreds of hours (or more) I have worked over the last year between ladies camp, creche, mum's group, small group, Esther class, accountability groups, counselling or just visiting. All of it while my daughter's seizure disorder has escalated with no medical explanation yet or while my son had months of staph infection on his bottom from diaper rash we couldn't get rid of. Who came to visit me the three times I was in the hospital with Cupcake this year? Umm...no one. What about the party I planned for the mum's group or the baby showers I did or the diaper cakes I made or the meals I have taken to people?
Not that I did any of that to be recognized or rewarded. But when I get criticised in DH's review for not being a good example to others because I miss too much church, etc. then I feel like someone needs to be reminded of what I have done and why I have missed church. Who do I leave my kids with when they are sick? Grandma? The closest one lives 5 hours a way and has a heart condition. Oh, how about Auntie then? Well--she also goes to church and is often out preaching with Uncle in the country. Do I ask her to miss church so I can go? Whatever.
Anyway, I felt really betrayed last night. I felt like no one fought for me. No one stood up for me. It just played right into my old tapes about feeling worthless and insignificant. Nothing I do matters and nothing I do is ever good enough. I went to sleep crying with a pillow over my head. I feel mostly better this morning. But it will take a while for the wounds to scab over. Once again God has seen fit to let me be the bigger person. Yay for me! I get to learn more this week about how its okay to be criticised by the world and to be invisible--because God sees me. I know that's all that matters. I just have to get my head back on straight.
There you have it. The good and the bad.
Oh, no, nothing you ever do will ever be good enough. Might as well make up your mind to that and be ok with it. I hope it doesn't sound overly spiritual or corny, but the One who is really reviewing you, guiding you and prompting you is the Holy Spirit. People can speak into your life and you know when they're confirming what God is saying, when they have a valid criticism you didn't think of before, and when it's absolutely ok to throw whatever they say into the trash where it belongs.
ReplyDeleteDid they teach you in those theology schools how to handle stuff like that? Surely you aren't the first!
Can I go slap your review about their collective heads?!!!
ReplyDeleteMan nothing riles me more than a *church* that wants to do away with scripture ~ & just what do they think scripture is if not the exposition & expounding of the word of God?! So not a good place for a church to be. Hmmm. As for you, you're in the fire being refined like gold & that is never a comfortable place to be. ♥Hugs♥ If you are right with God then the rest really shouldn't matter ~ only I know it does because we're all human & like to be valued & appreciated ~ & liked. Honestly. People like that should be made to walk in your shoes for a month & see just exactly what they are asking of their pastors & how well they do in similar circumstances. *roar*
Oh my goodness. I understand about the kids being sick. I've had people think I'm not Christian anymore because I've had to miss church for my kids who were sick. I can't take them when they are sick. I can't leave them with anybody. With 6 kids, sometimes the sickness just goes down the ladder and I'm out of church for a week or so. Otherwise I'm faithful. Did I misread something? I thought I read someone talked about your guy's weight? If I read that right, and I hope I didn't, that was out of line.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE a GREAT person. You are a Godly woman. GREAT mother, FANTASTIC wife. WONDERFUL homemaker. ETC. You are a gift to your children and your husband AND to anyone arond you. <3