I was going to write about how my week since Monday has been all downhill. Not in a good way, like coasting, in a bad way--like it's gotten away from me. So much so that I don't even care if I sound like Wendy Whiner.
Monday was a great class. DH forgot to come pick me up, so I had to stand around waiting for 40 minutes. Apparently we had one of those conversations Monday morning where I was talking about one thing and he was talking about another. We've been having more and more of those lately. I said to be there at 4 pm. He thought I said I would call him when I was ready. Oh well. I stayed up until 11 pm that night cooking food for our big Thanksgiving feast on Tuesday with our small group.
That was wonderful. We had a house full. I miscounted, as usual, and was short a plate. So I sat on the couch with a Christmas plate and a baby fork. My pecan pie didn't turn out, but the rest of the evening was great. Everyone seemed to have a good time even if several of the Kiwis had never eaten turkey, or sweet potato casserole, or green bean casserole, or squash casserole. They must have loved it, because we had nothing left.
I met Susan's (from Canada) friends. They were so nice. They are ones who have the adopted children. The one story that she told me after we first met in May about the adopted boy who tried to burn their house down and how they had him since he was a baby and how it wasn't their upbringing because they are a lovely Christian couple. She was trying to tell me how some children are just born bad or are too damaged. Then in the same breath tried to tell me that there was something wrong with Bubba when she had seen him for all of 5 minutes. Anyway--so I met the parents. They are a lovely Christian family. But they didn't adopt their son as a baby. He was 4.5. And they told me several times how even though it has been very difficult they would do it all again. Something they haven't shared with Susan apparently. That was a hoot! I felt a bit vindicated. Matt, our new pastor friend from America, stayed until Midnight that night. It was great--but I was exhausted after two full days in class and two late nights.
Wednesday and Thursday were sort of spent getting the kids settled back into their routines. We also finally got our new car seats from law-away. These are convertible ones that will become booster seats and last for as long as they need car seats or boosters. That was nice. I keep telling myself that, because they were $400 each. But at least they are paid for now and we have two lovely car seats.
I haven't gotten much done in the way of cleaning. We have been struggling still a bit this week with some difficult people at church. I have found it all so frustrating. More than once here lately I have found myself actually wishing we could do anything else for a living. I have even wondered about working and living on my own. It's not that I don't love DH--I do--but sometimes I feel like the stress of church life is just too much. And I get so jealous. He has been at church at least half of every " day off" here lately. Even when he is at home he is still working on church stuff. Yesterday, I actually asked him why he bothers to come at all since he is always working. Why not just live there? I think I sort of meant it too.
That just goes hand-in-hand with the personal dry spell we are having lately. I'm not sure that either one of us is very interested in intimacy. We don't even talk any more. Not for over three weeks. I really think for me it all comes down to our love languages. Mine is acts of service, which is really bad for DH. He is almost always either too lazy, too tired, or too busy to be helpful. I try to take on all responsibility for the house, the children, the bills, the shopping, the laundry--you know everything in our lives except THE CHURCH--but then I get so tired and so resentful that I can't meet his love language. Which is words of affirmation and quality time. The more tired I get, the meaner I get. I try to be the bigger person. I try to be happy, even when I'm not. But it just gets too hard.
I feel as if I am having some sort of a mid-life crisis. I'm jealous. I'm dissatisfied. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I spend all of my energy trying to focus on obedience to God and making our life as good as it can be, but I don't have anything or do anything that is mine.
I have so been looking forward to getting my counselling registration. At least that is something I can do--that I am good at. Well, I got the letter today--they have not accepted me, but not told me no either. I have to do six months of supervision and re-apply (hope I don't have to pay the fees again). So, it looks like I will be volunteering or trying to find a spot where I can get in those hours. I'm disappointed, sort of not surprised, and kind of exhausted by the whole thing. Stupid--isn't it. I mean me.
Why can't I ever just be happy with anything? Like DH--I love him and I want to be happy with him, but for the last few months he just drives me crazy. Is that normal? Even the way he eats drives me crazy. I feel like a crazy person.
I want to say more of you God and less of me. And maybe I will when I get over feeling like the church is my husband's mistress. Nothing an all expense paid vacation in the Bahamas wouldn't cure. Any takers?
Monday was a great class. DH forgot to come pick me up, so I had to stand around waiting for 40 minutes. Apparently we had one of those conversations Monday morning where I was talking about one thing and he was talking about another. We've been having more and more of those lately. I said to be there at 4 pm. He thought I said I would call him when I was ready. Oh well. I stayed up until 11 pm that night cooking food for our big Thanksgiving feast on Tuesday with our small group.
That was wonderful. We had a house full. I miscounted, as usual, and was short a plate. So I sat on the couch with a Christmas plate and a baby fork. My pecan pie didn't turn out, but the rest of the evening was great. Everyone seemed to have a good time even if several of the Kiwis had never eaten turkey, or sweet potato casserole, or green bean casserole, or squash casserole. They must have loved it, because we had nothing left.
I met Susan's (from Canada) friends. They were so nice. They are ones who have the adopted children. The one story that she told me after we first met in May about the adopted boy who tried to burn their house down and how they had him since he was a baby and how it wasn't their upbringing because they are a lovely Christian couple. She was trying to tell me how some children are just born bad or are too damaged. Then in the same breath tried to tell me that there was something wrong with Bubba when she had seen him for all of 5 minutes. Anyway--so I met the parents. They are a lovely Christian family. But they didn't adopt their son as a baby. He was 4.5. And they told me several times how even though it has been very difficult they would do it all again. Something they haven't shared with Susan apparently. That was a hoot! I felt a bit vindicated. Matt, our new pastor friend from America, stayed until Midnight that night. It was great--but I was exhausted after two full days in class and two late nights.
Wednesday and Thursday were sort of spent getting the kids settled back into their routines. We also finally got our new car seats from law-away. These are convertible ones that will become booster seats and last for as long as they need car seats or boosters. That was nice. I keep telling myself that, because they were $400 each. But at least they are paid for now and we have two lovely car seats.
I haven't gotten much done in the way of cleaning. We have been struggling still a bit this week with some difficult people at church. I have found it all so frustrating. More than once here lately I have found myself actually wishing we could do anything else for a living. I have even wondered about working and living on my own. It's not that I don't love DH--I do--but sometimes I feel like the stress of church life is just too much. And I get so jealous. He has been at church at least half of every " day off" here lately. Even when he is at home he is still working on church stuff. Yesterday, I actually asked him why he bothers to come at all since he is always working. Why not just live there? I think I sort of meant it too.
That just goes hand-in-hand with the personal dry spell we are having lately. I'm not sure that either one of us is very interested in intimacy. We don't even talk any more. Not for over three weeks. I really think for me it all comes down to our love languages. Mine is acts of service, which is really bad for DH. He is almost always either too lazy, too tired, or too busy to be helpful. I try to take on all responsibility for the house, the children, the bills, the shopping, the laundry--you know everything in our lives except THE CHURCH--but then I get so tired and so resentful that I can't meet his love language. Which is words of affirmation and quality time. The more tired I get, the meaner I get. I try to be the bigger person. I try to be happy, even when I'm not. But it just gets too hard.
I feel as if I am having some sort of a mid-life crisis. I'm jealous. I'm dissatisfied. I'm anxious. I'm tired. I spend all of my energy trying to focus on obedience to God and making our life as good as it can be, but I don't have anything or do anything that is mine.
I have so been looking forward to getting my counselling registration. At least that is something I can do--that I am good at. Well, I got the letter today--they have not accepted me, but not told me no either. I have to do six months of supervision and re-apply (hope I don't have to pay the fees again). So, it looks like I will be volunteering or trying to find a spot where I can get in those hours. I'm disappointed, sort of not surprised, and kind of exhausted by the whole thing. Stupid--isn't it. I mean me.
Why can't I ever just be happy with anything? Like DH--I love him and I want to be happy with him, but for the last few months he just drives me crazy. Is that normal? Even the way he eats drives me crazy. I feel like a crazy person.
I want to say more of you God and less of me. And maybe I will when I get over feeling like the church is my husband's mistress. Nothing an all expense paid vacation in the Bahamas wouldn't cure. Any takers?
Ahem... Well. Where do I start? You are allowed to whine. Whine away. Isn't that kind of the point of your own blog? I'd rather hear it here than you fussing at your hubby. He is clueless and helpless but he is a great husband and father so suck it up. You CHOSE to be a stay at home mom and don't get a break (like sending kids off to school or whatever) so hire a baby sitter for a few hours and take a nice hot bath and/or a nap. Do something for you. I'm guessing you're lonely. I'll try and step it up and write/call more. I bet you're just homesick and tired. Really, it's ok. It'll be ok.
ReplyDeleteSo, you're normal in a normal marriage. Suck it up, baby. lol
ReplyDeleteThe church stuff just sucks but no~one who hasn't done it has any idea.
I'm betting on homesickness too ~Thanksgiving & Christmas & everything & it's not even snowing! Well, it's not here. N.Z is a little further south so it might....☺
I have a hubby home ALL the time & I would kill for some real *alone* time but the thing about being the Lord's is we own nothing, not even our time. Everything belongs to the Lord first. I gripe bigtime about that when I'm feeling used & abused & tired & disgruntled but that don't change no facts. I wish being refine like gold wasn't such a painful process!