I feel like I should be on my face...

Whatever you do, don't google "prostrate." I was looking for an image of someone praying prostrate, on their face, before God. What I discovered is that Google assumes you meant to spell "prostate," not pretty images. And that very few in the Western world pray in a prostrate position. You will find lots of Muslims, and various other Eastern religions, praying prostrate on the ground.

How sad, that outside of the Catholic church, Westerners don't seem to know the value of getting on your face. I do, I have done it before. But I don't do it enough. Feeling as though, today, I should be doing it more!

We took the kids to the park today. Probably a mistake because we had them at the beach for a couple of hours yesterday--trying to get family photos. That was a huge mess. Bubba did not want to sit or play or pose for a photo, he only wanted to run into the water. He has no fear of that big giant ocean and the very strong under current. Finally after too many tantrums to count and an hour of chasing him, I just sat down (clothes and all) in the waves with him. He loved it. We played in the water until he was shivering from the cold.

Thinking we would enjoy some family time today, we headed to the park at 9:30. It was already pretty crowded, being Saturday morning and all. He was doing just fine until he saw the merry-go-round. It's his favourite! The problem is he can't seem to stop. He spins and spins until he is way over excited and ready to puke. Today, I tried to sit down with him until the dizziness subsided and he had calmed down a little. But he never calms down--not in those situations. Then I tried re-direct his attention. That worked for about 10 minutes.

Then an older boy, about 12, showed up with his dad. He had brought a bunch of toy cars he wanted to slide down the slide. I have some issues with this. First of all this park is built for smaller kids, but I am happy to share with big kids if they watch out for the littlies. Everyone else there was under 5. But when there is a line of little kids waiting to use the slide while this 12 year old slides every car he brought down the slide--that is a little bit much. Of course, Bubba LOVES cars and can't understand why he can't play with any of these beautiful things flying off the slide. I politely told Bubba that the cars weren't his to play with and handed them back to the boy and tried again to re-direct him. He ran all the way around the park, found this boy again, and proceeded to throw a full blown tantrum because he wanted to play with his cars. I also have a problem with bringing toys to a public park that you aren't prepared to share--just saying.

We left. It was just too much. The best part? All of the stares we get from the parents as I carry off our screaming 2 year old.

I just wanted to cry myself on the way home. All I can think of is--he is so strong! How much longer will I be able to control him when he is throwing a fit. What if he doesn't outgrow these fits of frustration and rage? His reward center is so over stimulated. How are we ever going to be able to convince him that one cupcake is enough or 5 minutes at a time on the merry-go-round is enough? Or that he shouldn't do drugs because they make him feel good? I looked at DH, in all of our fatness, and said "if we try to teach him that too much is bad thing, he will laugh at us when he's older."

My son, whose birthmother is so addicted to drugs that she can't even stop while pregnant. She can't stop prostituting herself to get drugs, even when she faces prison for both criminal acts, or when she faces yet another unplanned pregnancy. How will I help him learn about self-control or about the value of remaining calm? I don't know.

All I can think of is--I need to be on my face, begging God to help us and to help Bubbie.

I have tried to talk to both of the GP's at our doctor's office. They both say he is developing fine and he is just a normal 2 year old. Last week we were told, "If he's still acting that way when he's 10 then we'll worry." Are you kidding me? It he is still acting this way when he's 10, would he even be salvageable? We don't have insurance, don't think we can afford it. But I know the only way we will get help is through a private pediatrician and or child psychologist.

I know he's not even 2.5 yet, but I feel like if we don't get some help now we are only going to make his life harder later on. I just don't know where to turn in NZ. If we were in the US the March of Dimes and his awesome pediatrician would have helped. I have tried asking different adoption groups here, because I know we aren't the only parents dealing with drug babies in NZ, but they never respond. I guess I will just keep trying and praying. And next time I won't try to do two big outings in two consecutive days. He just gets too tired and it's not fair to him.