What is it about the relationships between adult daughters and mothers? Why is that relationship sometimes so hard? I don't know. I just know that it is.
I've missed my mother for 9 months. It took about two days into her trip to get aggravated the first time. It took about four days for her presence to shift the dynamics in my house. And it took about ten days before our B-I-G fight. Why? Why can't we just get along? I don't know. I think we are probably too much alike. Ha!
On the way to church this morning, when Bubba was obviously having an off day (you know the ones where his two year old brain has decided not to cooperate with anything) and when DH had scared me to death by nearly rolling through our fence before he realized the car wasn't on, Mom tells me off for being upset. Never mind that I am upset--just that my being upset is upsetting her. So I, of course, reply sarcastically and cry all the way to church. Yup, in one instant I am reduced to an adolescent. With that comes flooding back all of those adolescent feelings of being misunderstood and under valued.
I didn't want to sit by her at church or talk to her. Bubba continued to misbehave all morning. He was just about the worst he's ever been at church (or anywhere for that matter). After church, while trying to corral him and find his missing bottle, Cupcake disappears. She's not in creche, not in her Sunday school class, no ones checked her out and she's just gone. There were about 400 people there this morning for a special service and she is just gone. I totally panicked and had about 5 people looking for her, before she just showed up with a group of older girls she loves. She hadn't been with them a few minutes earlier and I still don't know for sure where she was during that time which really upsets me.
Part of the reason I wanted to move to NZ was to get away from my family and my family history. I love them all, but mostly they just remind me of the abuse I suffered growing up. Just when I think I am healing and forgiving--I realize how much further I have to go. My Dad molested me and was verbally/emotionally abusive to all of us. My Mom and Dad are still married. I think I still really struggle with how my mother can claim to have loved me all of these years and still be married to him. Funny--I have forgiven him and don't feel any anger any more about sharing Heaven with him (he's a believer). He doesn't remember much of my early life, because he is such an alcoholic. He knows that something happened and he knows why we have a VERY limited relationship, but he's not yet apologized and I don't hold out hope for that. I guess maybe I haven't worked at forgiving my mother. She helps us a lot financially and has always preferred to settle emotional problems with money--but today I am finally feeling as if that just isn't going to cut it any more. I would so much rather have an honest relationship.
Lord, help me. I know I have my share of faults. I can be bossy, mean, and demanding. But some day I am going to have to allow God to really work in this relationship or I risk losing all connection to my family. It makes me sick to think about either thing--working on it or losing it. I'd rather just live down here avoiding it. Sigh...
I've missed my mother for 9 months. It took about two days into her trip to get aggravated the first time. It took about four days for her presence to shift the dynamics in my house. And it took about ten days before our B-I-G fight. Why? Why can't we just get along? I don't know. I think we are probably too much alike. Ha!
On the way to church this morning, when Bubba was obviously having an off day (you know the ones where his two year old brain has decided not to cooperate with anything) and when DH had scared me to death by nearly rolling through our fence before he realized the car wasn't on, Mom tells me off for being upset. Never mind that I am upset--just that my being upset is upsetting her. So I, of course, reply sarcastically and cry all the way to church. Yup, in one instant I am reduced to an adolescent. With that comes flooding back all of those adolescent feelings of being misunderstood and under valued.
I didn't want to sit by her at church or talk to her. Bubba continued to misbehave all morning. He was just about the worst he's ever been at church (or anywhere for that matter). After church, while trying to corral him and find his missing bottle, Cupcake disappears. She's not in creche, not in her Sunday school class, no ones checked her out and she's just gone. There were about 400 people there this morning for a special service and she is just gone. I totally panicked and had about 5 people looking for her, before she just showed up with a group of older girls she loves. She hadn't been with them a few minutes earlier and I still don't know for sure where she was during that time which really upsets me.
Part of the reason I wanted to move to NZ was to get away from my family and my family history. I love them all, but mostly they just remind me of the abuse I suffered growing up. Just when I think I am healing and forgiving--I realize how much further I have to go. My Dad molested me and was verbally/emotionally abusive to all of us. My Mom and Dad are still married. I think I still really struggle with how my mother can claim to have loved me all of these years and still be married to him. Funny--I have forgiven him and don't feel any anger any more about sharing Heaven with him (he's a believer). He doesn't remember much of my early life, because he is such an alcoholic. He knows that something happened and he knows why we have a VERY limited relationship, but he's not yet apologized and I don't hold out hope for that. I guess maybe I haven't worked at forgiving my mother. She helps us a lot financially and has always preferred to settle emotional problems with money--but today I am finally feeling as if that just isn't going to cut it any more. I would so much rather have an honest relationship.
Lord, help me. I know I have my share of faults. I can be bossy, mean, and demanding. But some day I am going to have to allow God to really work in this relationship or I risk losing all connection to my family. It makes me sick to think about either thing--working on it or losing it. I'd rather just live down here avoiding it. Sigh...
I couldn't tell you why she stayed married to him, but I hope for your sake after she found out she did whatever you needed to have happen to be protected. I don't get a lot of things myself or pretend to understand how very damaged relationships should "look." I don't know that it is all "working on or losing" family. It might just be working what level of intimacy is comfortable for you and it's ok to love your mom and feel really angry and betrayed by how things went down. I wish I had good advice for you, but this is very heavy stuff. Just know I am praying for clarity for you and peace also.
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie! ♥♥♥ The thing with the Lord is He never shirks the unpleasant stuff ~ especially if He knows it will bring healing. Having my own issues just now 'cause I'm the world's biggest woos. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I could stay with my husband if I knew he abused my girls. :( It would make it severely uncomfortable for my girls as grownups visiting me with "daddy nearby".
ReplyDeleteMy mom and I have an extremely difficult relationship and we still argue to this day. Our last incident was her embarrassing me in the church bathroom by talking about personal issues with people around.
I guess sometimes it comes because mom is too opinionated or both parties are. I hope, hope, hope I learn to be careful how I approach my adult children someday. I want to be close with them.