Family Stuff

On Sunday my father turns 81. Mom says he isn't doing well, that he is losing his memory and often can't even remember how to use a pen. But he still drives and apparently has long periods of perfect lucidity. To the point that she won't get him help. He is always opposed to "doctoring" and I guess she has to pick her battles. Mind you, he and I have NO relationship. So, other than him being a drain on my Mom, none of this really bothers me. I am just grateful that I don't have to watch it or take care of him. I know--that sounds terrible. I would try to respect him as the Bible asks, but I just can't--not in a real way. Lately, I have been trying to respect him by researching his family and creating a comprehensive genealogy for him. Thus far I have traced his father's family back to 11th century England.

Along the way I have discovered some very interesting things.

• My grandmother (Bonnie) was pregnant at age 29 with my Dad, when she married my Grandfather (Virgil) age 42 in 1929. They had four children in 3 years, including 1 set of twins. Then she died in 1935. My dad was 4.5 years old.

• Her father, Thomas, was called a "travelling man." Which back in the day meant a sort of a con artist/salesman. He was one of 13 children born to Mary--who never married. Yup. She had 13 kids from 1854-1873, including 3 sets of twins, but never married.

• Mary's parents married almost 1 year after their first child was born. Then her father died when she was 3.5 years old. Her mother remarried to a man named Lewis. He either had 3 children of his own, or they had 3 children. Mary and her 2 other sisters from her family of origin left home as young people. According to one census the sisters were living together with their children--all with the same surname--meaning none of the sisters were married.

Let's see--what else? My grandfather (Virgil) was practically illiterate. He died in 1967, before I was born. I have two letters he wrote my Dad, they are so hard to read because he could barely write and could not spell. Of his four children--my Dad left home at 12 and never went back. His sister, Emily, died at age 20 at college. The story goes that she had an epileptic seizure by an open window and fell out. I think she killed herself. Don (one of the twins) never married and spent most of his life in and out of prison. He died in 1981 when he was only 48 years old. A few years later his twin, Dan, had a massive stroke and never left the VA hospital again. He died in 2006.

That's just the one branch of the family and only back 3 generations. Good Lord. It's amazing I've turned out as well as I have. Ha! Just kidding--sort of.

You can see the harmful events that happened in each generation--unplanned pregnancies, spouses dying young, many children, all of them farmers or sharecroppers really, and broken relationships. My Dad never talked about his grandfather (mother's mother) but he lived to 103--didn't die until 1967. His mother lived until 1914 and died in the care of a much younger sibling in another state. I can imagine that our family history includes many cycles of broken relationships and maybe even abuse. I can't help but wonder if my Dad abused me because he was abused or saw his Dad abuse his sister. What does a 47 year old widower do with four kids aged 4 and under? There is no use speculating.

It's a very interesting process and I guess it's good to know where we come from. But it makes me more and more grateful for the life that I have now--for how far we have come. It makes me grateful for the knowledge that you can change your life every day through the choices you make. I hope and I pray that my children will lead healthy and happy lives, in the fullness of grace from Jesus Christ, and the knowledge that their parents love them very much.