So, it's been an interesting week. I continue to struggle with life and all that it contains. Just when I think things are better a bad day sets me back and I can't seem to find my way back again. Saturday was another one of those days.
I met with my supervisor on Friday. It was an "emergency" meeting. I hate to do that to her, because she isn't my therapist. She's my supervisor. Anyway--because I don't have therapist she filled in for me. It was a l-o-n-g meeting, like 1.5 hours. The conclusion...I am depressed. She thinks to the point that I need medication. That was sort of a shock.
Years ago (like over 8 years ago) I was on medication for depression. In fact I spent most of my first marriage on antidepressants. When we got divorced I was on three different ones. There have been times in these 8 years when I have been so down that I just knew I needed to medicate again, but somehow got through it. Part of the way I got through it was with DH's help and the help of friends and family in America.
What's different? We aren't in America. I have been lonely and/or homesick for 2.5 years. I have friends, but not the kind that you call when you feel like your life is coming down around your ears. Not even the kind you call to go out to a movie, because all of my friends have small kids. And part of the reason I am depressed now is because my relationship with DH has changed drastically since we moved here. We used to be the very best friends, perfectly content to just hang out together. We talked about everything, shared everything, and really totally absolutely enjoyed each other. It's just not that way any more. We're busy with kids. He's busy with church. And I get lonelier and more resentful all the time.
I do have moments or even longer of peace and happiness. But when the waves of sadness hit I seem to go down further and further each time. Then I have no patience for children and no desire to be with anyone. So, Lyn thinks I need to talk to my Dr. about medication again.
At first I was sort of okay with that. That was Friday. Today is Sunday. Since Friday I've started in with the stuff like "what does that say about my faith?;" "what would everyone say about that?;" what kind of a counsellor will I be if I can't even fix myself?" ALL stupid questions I know. Any client I had in the same boat I would say--get some antidepressants! Yes, it can be an attack from the evil one, but sometimes he attacks through our physical weaknesses. And physical weaknesses that can be treated with medication--we treat. Why not this one?
Yea...working on it.
On other news--our child minder who gave me the third degree week before last about sending the kids to her sick (they weren't) now has a cold and so does her daughter--caught from the other kid who attends her child care. Yup! I saw him there myself on Wed with a horrible green runny nose. Then she told me she sent him home on Friday because he was really sick. It's been all I could do to keep from asking if she gave his mother a hard time about sending him there sick. But I am concentrating on kindness. I just hope we don't get it.
So, we won't be having our safety check for foster care this week. We're not ready and with the kids home it's just too much confusion.
I have a great retreat day coming up on Sunday (I hope). It's with Joy Cowley. She is a NZ author and a great lady. She's coming for a small informal retreat day and I think that will be really special. I love her book Aotearoa Psalms. Then coming up in May I have the counselling conference. That will be so much fun--two nights alone in a hotel in Auckland! Woo-hoo! So, at least some things to look forward to.
Also, just found our son's birthmother on FB. Not something I recommend to others. Yup. I didn't friend her or anything, but I did find out that as of last week she is pregnant again. This is her 6th child in 8 years (unless she's had another one I don't know about since Bubba was born). She describes herself as a good mother who just gets f*@#ed up by the twists and turns of life. I guess that would be crack cocaine, alcohol, prostitution, and prison. Whew...sorry, I need to put my kindness hat back on. The good news is I finally found a picture of her with her clothes on. The other ones we had seen before on Myspace were of her naked. Since she has always refused all communication with us we didn't even have a picture of her. But now I do. Her eyes are closed, but it's better than nothing.
I guess that's all for now. Trying to think of things to do with the kids tomorrow that don't cost any money. Thinking about a trip to the park, but its supposed to rain. Maybe we need to make cupcakes and play with our special blue playdough that we made last week.
I met with my supervisor on Friday. It was an "emergency" meeting. I hate to do that to her, because she isn't my therapist. She's my supervisor. Anyway--because I don't have therapist she filled in for me. It was a l-o-n-g meeting, like 1.5 hours. The conclusion...I am depressed. She thinks to the point that I need medication. That was sort of a shock.
Years ago (like over 8 years ago) I was on medication for depression. In fact I spent most of my first marriage on antidepressants. When we got divorced I was on three different ones. There have been times in these 8 years when I have been so down that I just knew I needed to medicate again, but somehow got through it. Part of the way I got through it was with DH's help and the help of friends and family in America.
What's different? We aren't in America. I have been lonely and/or homesick for 2.5 years. I have friends, but not the kind that you call when you feel like your life is coming down around your ears. Not even the kind you call to go out to a movie, because all of my friends have small kids. And part of the reason I am depressed now is because my relationship with DH has changed drastically since we moved here. We used to be the very best friends, perfectly content to just hang out together. We talked about everything, shared everything, and really totally absolutely enjoyed each other. It's just not that way any more. We're busy with kids. He's busy with church. And I get lonelier and more resentful all the time.
I do have moments or even longer of peace and happiness. But when the waves of sadness hit I seem to go down further and further each time. Then I have no patience for children and no desire to be with anyone. So, Lyn thinks I need to talk to my Dr. about medication again.
At first I was sort of okay with that. That was Friday. Today is Sunday. Since Friday I've started in with the stuff like "what does that say about my faith?;" "what would everyone say about that?;" what kind of a counsellor will I be if I can't even fix myself?" ALL stupid questions I know. Any client I had in the same boat I would say--get some antidepressants! Yes, it can be an attack from the evil one, but sometimes he attacks through our physical weaknesses. And physical weaknesses that can be treated with medication--we treat. Why not this one?
Yea...working on it.
On other news--our child minder who gave me the third degree week before last about sending the kids to her sick (they weren't) now has a cold and so does her daughter--caught from the other kid who attends her child care. Yup! I saw him there myself on Wed with a horrible green runny nose. Then she told me she sent him home on Friday because he was really sick. It's been all I could do to keep from asking if she gave his mother a hard time about sending him there sick. But I am concentrating on kindness. I just hope we don't get it.
So, we won't be having our safety check for foster care this week. We're not ready and with the kids home it's just too much confusion.
I have a great retreat day coming up on Sunday (I hope). It's with Joy Cowley. She is a NZ author and a great lady. She's coming for a small informal retreat day and I think that will be really special. I love her book Aotearoa Psalms. Then coming up in May I have the counselling conference. That will be so much fun--two nights alone in a hotel in Auckland! Woo-hoo! So, at least some things to look forward to.
Also, just found our son's birthmother on FB. Not something I recommend to others. Yup. I didn't friend her or anything, but I did find out that as of last week she is pregnant again. This is her 6th child in 8 years (unless she's had another one I don't know about since Bubba was born). She describes herself as a good mother who just gets f*@#ed up by the twists and turns of life. I guess that would be crack cocaine, alcohol, prostitution, and prison. Whew...sorry, I need to put my kindness hat back on. The good news is I finally found a picture of her with her clothes on. The other ones we had seen before on Myspace were of her naked. Since she has always refused all communication with us we didn't even have a picture of her. But now I do. Her eyes are closed, but it's better than nothing.
I guess that's all for now. Trying to think of things to do with the kids tomorrow that don't cost any money. Thinking about a trip to the park, but its supposed to rain. Maybe we need to make cupcakes and play with our special blue playdough that we made last week.
Bonnie: life with small kiddies is hard. I was lucky. I had a good friend on a small farm with a house so old nobody minded what got trashed. We'd all get together several times a week, wet or sunny; the kids would rage & us mums would chat & drink coffee. When I turned into a raving frothing hysterical harridan Dearest would send me down on my own & if it was really bad he'd round up the blokes & they'd take the kids for an hour or so. It was sanity saving. You have such a lot on your plate you need a sanity saver. Do you not have play groups in N.Z? Somewhere where the mums get together with the kids, usually pretty informal, & the mums chat while the kids play? Not sure about the medication. What about evenings when most dads are home? Could you get together with friends once a week/fortnight/month even if it was just in each others homes for a DVD night with nibblies? I know some homes are a bit smallish but surely someone's got a rumpus room or a nice big garage or a spare room that could be done up ~ or the church? Can't think of a better use for a church. lol No ideas for the homesickness, I'm afraid. Sorry about that. Have a cyber ♥Hug♥ instead.
ReplyDeleteI just felt my guts thud when I read she was pregnant. So scared for that baby! Sorry... but Bubba getting a cold in your care is NOTHING on what could have happened in hers. (sad...)
ReplyDeleteBonnie - Thankyou so much for dropping by and saying hi. I was saddened to read about the birth mother of your son - it must be hard to read about her antics and know that children are involved.
ReplyDeleteMy brother lives in the USA, originally from Australia and he still gets home sick occasionally and he has been gone for over 20 years. I don't think there is any cure for it sadly. My brother came to visit last July and we spent the best week together - me and my 2 brothers. Those moments are very precious.
My sons and I often cooked on rainy days, painted, may jigsaws, lego or watched DVD whilst having a picnic on the carpet!!
Bonnie, I struggled with depression before and I know it's awful. Like you guys, my husband and I are not as close as we used to be. We also used to be best friends and did everything together. Since I moved to a different part of the city, none of my friends have had anything to do with me just because they are caught up in their life. I do wish I had a friend to go to the movies with and just hang out. I do have one friend but it's not a healthy friendship all the time so I have to keep a distance at times. There are good women in my church but they are the perfectionist type that talk about surface things. I'm just a very down to earth person and not into shallow stuff really. You and Happy Elf Mom have been good blogging buddies and I'm so grateful. Wish we could hang in person though. I wouldn't even care if you sent your kids over sick. Seriously. I watched a special needs kid for a week while her mom had a baby. Did I freak out when I found out she had strep throat? No. Her mom was going through a lot and had no one to help. No way was I gonna let the newborn get sick. Turns out, none of mine got sick, which is amazing. If they would have, I still would have been happy to protect her wee baby she just had. Sometimes friends just do things out of love and not selfishly. My sister is away from all of her family in South Africa right now and she comes to visit ever 2 years. She gets lonely too.
ReplyDeleteWe love you, Bonnie.