This was August 8, 2008. That is DH, Me, Sissy (age 12 months), and Bubby (age 2 months) all present for his adoption hearing. This was the same judge who had presided over Sissy's adoption only six months earlier.Have a told you about how we came to be Bubby's parents? Sissy birth mother picked us in May 2007. She was born in August 2007. I was in the delivery room when she was delivered by c-section and was the first person to hold her. We roomed in with her at the hospital (next door to the birth mother). It was a very hard and amazing weekend.
Over the next six months we maintained contact with her birth mother and even had a visit. Right after Sissy's adoption was finalized in Feb 2008 we were told that the birth mother was pregnant again. She wanted us to adopt the baby. Even though we were on "sabbatical" having just quit our job in Texas, waiting to move to New Zealand in a few months, we agreed. Who wouldn't have?
After several weeks of uncertainty and strange behaviour we finally learned that Sissy's birth mother had lost the baby. So we were already in the adoption process again--having paid our fees and done all of our legal work. We were matched again with a birth mother who had tried to abort her baby only to find out she was 8 months pregnant. She changed her mind and the adoption failed. We were hopeless and praying for a miracle.
On July 19 I got a call that said "come and meet your son." Bubby's adoption had fallen through at the very last minute because the adoptive parents were not prepared to take on a drug baby. DH and I jumped in with both feet. We took him home the next day. That was a great day! I had two babies under 1 year of age. I was in heaven!
Today--after 13 months of pushing, fighting for testing, help, and diagnosis--I heard the word "disabled." We still don't have a diagnosis. In fact, far from it. But we are better off than we were last year.
Had a meeting today with his pediatrician. Something that only happens here every 6 months or so here. But she spent an hour with us and I just love her. She is a nice Christian woman--never married. Just a dedicated doctor. We talked about everything:
He doesn't sleep--is awake every night for 1-2 hours
Has always struggled to go to sleep (mildly)
Still at least partially non-verbal
Behaviourally challenged (last night he poked all of our visiting Korean missionaries in the bum)
Very loud
Very picky eater!
Impulsive
Full on hyper (very short attention span)
Unless he is overly focused on something he likes then he obsesses
Just now at 44 months learning pretend play
Can't do numbers, shapes, colours, body parts, etc.
Very-very strong!!
Sweet (to us--or if he likes you) and very cuddly
Likes to laugh a lot!
We are waiting on his hearing aid--comes on the 20th--before he starts speech therapy this year and starts back to occupational therapy. We have been referred to the specialist team that will evaluate him for autism and adhd. Until then there is no official diagnosis other than "disabled." The doctor said today that it is unlikely he will simply "catch-up." He may learn to talk with the assistance of his hearing aid. His behaviour may even improve (when/if his speech improves). But he will likely always be "different" or unique as his speech therapist calls him.
The doctor supported our decision to distance ourselves from our child care provider, especially because the doctor is aware that our child care provider refused to submit the education form for his testing. Our child care provider is one of those who thinks he is "just 3 and will catch up fine. Oh I've had a 100 kids in my classes like him..." The doctor also referred us to the local disability coordinating service today. And gave us a form for a disabled child allowance from the government. It is a small stipend that helps pays for the extras and would give us access to respite care. When we get that--we'll have it for 2 years.
So, I guess it was a good day, all-in-all. Disabled doesn't have to be a bad word. In fact we need to find a nicer word for it.
Have I mentioned lately how much I love my son? I am so grateful that God gave him to us. I am grateful that we moved to NZ when we did and for the health care system here. His hearing aids will be free here until he is 21. Can't beat that. I don't know what the future is for Bubby. I know I will get tired and frustrated along the way. But I am hopeful that with a lot of hard work and all of the help we can gather--he will have a good chance at a normal life--even if it is "normal for Ian." Do you know what I mean?
Also--I have to say, I would do it all again! And should the next baby come along with "issues" I would say--yes. God didn't give me a womb to give birth to all of the children I would have loved, but he has given me my children and we pray he will give us more (even just one more). I thank God that he gave us the hearts to love them as our own and to want the best for them. I am so blessed! And I believe that somewhere along this journey--Ian will be blessed as well. This is my prayer.
Love to you and Bubba, and praying for you. You are very blessed to be in NZ with that kind of care. We have been waitlisted for Woodjie for three years. Zero funding. I'd stay put if I were you, though it has to be very hard to miss family gatherings and have that support sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI hope your next appointments give you more specific answers and help you direct Bubba's care efficiently.
Yes, this world needs families like yours. You have an open heart and open arms and there is a special place in Heaven for people like you. Not just anyone could do what you are doing. I can't imagine if someone else had gotten a hold of these kids or if they would've been shipped from home to home. So glad they have you.
ReplyDeleteOur grandson Griffin, who we are raising as our own has some similar issues to your son.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I can relate to STRONGLY is the lack of sleep.
Griffin would never sleep for more than an hour at a time, and as soon as he could he would climb out of his cot and raid the fridge, open windows and climb outside in the middle of the night! It was EXHAUSTING!
In the end I put a big sheet of solid wood on top of his cot and tied it down so he couldn't get out... AND GUESS WHAT?
He slept.... oh we also realised at the same time that he was TERRIFIED of the dark, so we kept a light on in his room ... and he slept! It took us three dreadful years to figure that out!
He outgrew the cot, but was fine in a bed as long as there were lots of lights on in his room. He only outgrew that need when he was about 8.
Also, he was hyper all the time, never sat still at all. He is still like that, unless he is totally focused on something he is really interested in.
He has broken 8 dining room chairs by rocking on them!
We chose NOT to drug him to settle him down, as he IS getting better with age and maturity.
Griffin is also dyslexic, has dysgraphia and possibly dispraxia too.
While they are 'LEARNING DISABILITIES' we still qualify for the Disabled Child Allowance, and as you said, it helps in a small way.
Griffin's birth mother (our daughter) took drugs/alcohol while pregnant with him, so that could explain some of his problems... but we can't acutually say that to her as she would no doubt spin out of control and go nuts at us!
I hope you can hang in there and take some comfort from knowing that as your wee boy grows up he may actually get easier to parent.
Thank you so much for that Chris. And Christine and Virginia! I love Ian and while I wouldn't have picked out a kid with his issues--I would never ever give him back. He's my sweetie pie and I will do everything I can to help him be the best Ian he can be. It's easy for me to get angry with his birth mother, but there is no guarantee that she caused these problems. And really I have to tell myself it's irrelevant. The good news is Ian is in a family that loves him and will fight for him and work hard for him. That's all I should concentrate on. My friends, like all of you, give me hope and encouragement. :-)
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